Nothing ever fucking goes right.
You let your mom call and tell me you killed yourself and bitch me out over it, and then tell me "Oh, I'm sorry, I fucked up, I just didn't know what to do."? It's bullshit. Do you know how much time I've spent crying over you? I'm so fucking sick of being treated like this.
You send me pictures and videos of you cutting yourself and bleeding? You tell me to call you so I can hear you die? You tell me that you're killing yourself because you can't stand to live without me? How dare you try and blame your psychotic mentality on me. You were fucked in the head before you met me and I pity the next person that falls into your trap.
It's bullshit that you'd do that to me. What the fuck did I do to deserve this? I'm a nice person. I've been nothing but nice and supportive of you. You've done nothing but suck the life out of me and make me miserable. If you weren't happy, there was no way that I could ever be happy.
I wish you had fucking killed yourself. I hate you for everything you've put me through.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
March 27th, 2009 (attempt #2)
Today is my first day off all week and I'm spending it humming lullabies and letting down my friends.
I desperately need to go on a road trip. It's been so long since Kim and I just drove, not caring where we ended up. I need to get away from here. This city can seem so smothering.
For the first time in my life, I am anxious for the summer. I miss the lake. I miss the water. I miss my baby bird. I miss Matt and Herb and Jake. I miss the fires and daddy-long-legs and playing in the sand. I miss flip-flops and short-shorts and tank-tops and anything else that has a dash in it. I miss "initiation" and mocking people. But most of all? I miss sleeping under the stars, laying out on a damp towel in the dirt, and not caring about my future. I used to try and convince myself that if I laid still enough, time would stop, and I could lay like that forever.
This summer will be different, though. This summer won't live up to the last. I've got to work and there are people I'll have to take care of. I feel like my life has been ripped away from me and given to someone more deserving, and all I've been left with are hopeless dreams and empty promises.
I desperately need to go on a road trip. It's been so long since Kim and I just drove, not caring where we ended up. I need to get away from here. This city can seem so smothering.
For the first time in my life, I am anxious for the summer. I miss the lake. I miss the water. I miss my baby bird. I miss Matt and Herb and Jake. I miss the fires and daddy-long-legs and playing in the sand. I miss flip-flops and short-shorts and tank-tops and anything else that has a dash in it. I miss "initiation" and mocking people. But most of all? I miss sleeping under the stars, laying out on a damp towel in the dirt, and not caring about my future. I used to try and convince myself that if I laid still enough, time would stop, and I could lay like that forever.
This summer will be different, though. This summer won't live up to the last. I've got to work and there are people I'll have to take care of. I feel like my life has been ripped away from me and given to someone more deserving, and all I've been left with are hopeless dreams and empty promises.
I work so much.
I'm so tired & my feet hurt and I hardly have time for this anymore. That makes me sad. ):
I Want This Forever has been stuck in my head for three days. It's getting old.
Short post for now. I'll tell you about all the amazing things that have happened to me when I have time this weekend.
I Want This Forever has been stuck in my head for three days. It's getting old.
Short post for now. I'll tell you about all the amazing things that have happened to me when I have time this weekend.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Shittiest. Mood. Ever.
Apparently I can't do anything right. Work was great (minus getting stuck in the freezer for 5 minutes), but things have changed so much at home. My mom talks to me like I'm a piece of shit and acts like she regrets having me. I'm so tired of being underappreciated and pushed around. Fuck this shit.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Tonight was pretty much amazing.
I went to that band showcase thing at Hangar 84 and pretty much only stayed long enough to watch Roades play and have Shana take a billion pictures of Bree and me.
We left to go to the Hamilton mall to meet up with some of Bree's friends and I sat and rode the escalator like 50 times.
As we were leaving the mall, I ran straight into a fucking door. Like, I watched the security guy lock it, and still RAN right into it. (I was running to beat Bree and Shana to the car) All the kids who were outside saw it and laughed and made fun of me. ):
Then we drove some kids to a gas station where I learned that SHANA CANNOT TELL HER LEFT FROM HER RIGHT.
Then we started to drive home, and when Shana tried to turn around after a wrong turn, some car started following us. They followed for a good 30 minutes until we were almost at Shana's house. We were dancing and singing Bohemian Rhapsody and Gives You Hell and some other song.
Shana turned the music down and was like "Has anyone else noticed that that car has been following us?" which is what I was thinking like two seconds before she said that.We started freaking out and Shana kept taking all these turns to try and lose them, and then all of a sudden there's like four cop cars behind us and they all have their lights on. We pulled over and apparently the dude was following us because he thought we were drunk. We were sooo relieved. I swear to god I thought we were going to die.
Then we went to Starbucks and ran into people I don't like to talk about. When we were pulling out of the parking lot, Shana did something dumb and spilled her drink into her cup holders. They were both filled with some iced drink. She had to scoop it out with napkins. She kept throwing the napkins out the window. When we were done cleaning it up, we noticed an empty bag we could have used for trash.
Then we drove to Bree's so I could get my clothes and life-lines, and some car was parked with a bunch of d00ds sitting in it so we drove by really slow and I made faces at them.
I've never almost peed myself so many times in one night. Thank you guys so much. <3 You're the best.
Now I'm watching my kitten fight with a sock. :3
We left to go to the Hamilton mall to meet up with some of Bree's friends and I sat and rode the escalator like 50 times.
As we were leaving the mall, I ran straight into a fucking door. Like, I watched the security guy lock it, and still RAN right into it. (I was running to beat Bree and Shana to the car) All the kids who were outside saw it and laughed and made fun of me. ):
Then we drove some kids to a gas station where I learned that SHANA CANNOT TELL HER LEFT FROM HER RIGHT.
Then we started to drive home, and when Shana tried to turn around after a wrong turn, some car started following us. They followed for a good 30 minutes until we were almost at Shana's house. We were dancing and singing Bohemian Rhapsody and Gives You Hell and some other song.
Shana turned the music down and was like "Has anyone else noticed that that car has been following us?" which is what I was thinking like two seconds before she said that.We started freaking out and Shana kept taking all these turns to try and lose them, and then all of a sudden there's like four cop cars behind us and they all have their lights on. We pulled over and apparently the dude was following us because he thought we were drunk. We were sooo relieved. I swear to god I thought we were going to die.
Then we went to Starbucks and ran into people I don't like to talk about. When we were pulling out of the parking lot, Shana did something dumb and spilled her drink into her cup holders. They were both filled with some iced drink. She had to scoop it out with napkins. She kept throwing the napkins out the window. When we were done cleaning it up, we noticed an empty bag we could have used for trash.
Then we drove to Bree's so I could get my clothes and life-lines, and some car was parked with a bunch of d00ds sitting in it so we drove by really slow and I made faces at them.
I've never almost peed myself so many times in one night. Thank you guys so much. <3 You're the best.
Now I'm watching my kitten fight with a sock. :3
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